bland

The blandest house in the United States

This house is an offering from one of my favorite builders, so expectations were high. But, my coffee went cold as I opened the door to gray and white. Everywhere. I’m not opposed to a neutral tone, but holy crap, the entire house was neutral. Every detail. Even the tchotchkes. Let’s take a look and we’re obviously going to start with lighting.

The lighting was good, but not stellar. The ball “thing” in the upper left was very cool in person. Almost impossible to get a good picture of, though. And of course, who doesn’t love a good ball? The lamp in the lower right wants to be my lover, but I had to turn it down.

I included the candles because they’re lamp-adjacent. And finally, this bizarre exaggeration of something…img_5896

Seriously. What the hell?

So we have 3500 sf of blandness. Anyone could live here. No personality, no color. I understand completely that the idea is to decorate so that you can “see” yourself there. Didn’t work this time. They had good details, but keep in mind that I took a picture of every one of them. So be underwhelmed with me:

Let’s break it down. The bed. It looks like you are sleeping in a cushioned box. I’m over 6′. I don’t want my feet kicking the end of the bed all night. That’s going to make me very cranky. But at least when this washed out, flaxen, sallow of a house puts you to sleep, you’ll have a spot.

My favorite detail is the built in TV console. There was almost nothing on it!! I loved that. Why do anything if you don’t have to? And of course, at this point, if we included color, it would be too shocking to the system, so let’s make sure we stay with that oatmeal color palette. We don’t want to confuse the eye!!

This mirror makes me happy. It’s got good texture and dimension.

And finally, to put a nail in the coffin of good taste, we have another fucking apron sink. Please stop.

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