Author: dirtnerdtampa

A quick little outing

Yesterday I spent the day in Dunedin looking at town homes. My feelings about town homes are well documented in this space, so you may know they aren’t my go-to when I’m helping folks make their living decisions. What I do love is fake food (also well documented here). So I obviously squealed with delight when we opened the door and what do I see? IMG_6440IMG_6427

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I love that the lemons in the tea have seeds. It’s this attention to detail that makes fake food so fabulous. While I was there, I snapped some pics of the tchotchkes I liked, so enjoy!

First up-lighting. Industrial/Steampunk is still having a moment and so is that horrifying macrame that we tried to kill in the 70’s. Sometimes things die because they are supposed to. So the little guy in the center, bottom row, has that jute stuff wrapped around it and frankly, all I can think about is how to dust it.

It was a quick trip, so I only have a few more. This table makes me swoon. I took a pic from the top, but the detail didn’t translate.

Pineapples are one of my favorite decorating elements and I use them whenever I can. Pineapples mean you are welcome and how can that be bad?

So, like I said, a quickie. It’s a porn site, after all.

 

 

I can’t make this up

Our national nightmare continues. A few weeks ago, I warned you about ugly furniture found in the wild and I regret to inform you that there’s more. This looks like an exorcism gone wrong.

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If you should decide that you can’t live without this (!?), you can get it here. The whole set can be yours for about $1100. Just please don’t tell me about it. Or anyone for that matter.

The blandest house in the United States

This house is an offering from one of my favorite builders, so expectations were high. But, my coffee went cold as I opened the door to gray and white. Everywhere. I’m not opposed to a neutral tone, but holy crap, the entire house was neutral. Every detail. Even the tchotchkes. Let’s take a look and we’re obviously going to start with lighting.

The lighting was good, but not stellar. The ball “thing” in the upper left was very cool in person. Almost impossible to get a good picture of, though. And of course, who doesn’t love a good ball? The lamp in the lower right wants to be my lover, but I had to turn it down.

I included the candles because they’re lamp-adjacent. And finally, this bizarre exaggeration of something…img_5896

Seriously. What the hell?

So we have 3500 sf of blandness. Anyone could live here. No personality, no color. I understand completely that the idea is to decorate so that you can “see” yourself there. Didn’t work this time. They had good details, but keep in mind that I took a picture of every one of them. So be underwhelmed with me:

Let’s break it down. The bed. It looks like you are sleeping in a cushioned box. I’m over 6′. I don’t want my feet kicking the end of the bed all night. That’s going to make me very cranky. But at least when this washed out, flaxen, sallow of a house puts you to sleep, you’ll have a spot.

My favorite detail is the built in TV console. There was almost nothing on it!! I loved that. Why do anything if you don’t have to? And of course, at this point, if we included color, it would be too shocking to the system, so let’s make sure we stay with that oatmeal color palette. We don’t want to confuse the eye!!

This mirror makes me happy. It’s got good texture and dimension.

And finally, to put a nail in the coffin of good taste, we have another fucking apron sink. Please stop.

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The little train that could

Today’s installment is a little guy in Wesley Chapel. Not really “little”, it was over 3,000 sf. So you would think with all of that space, the decorators could have filled it with a biiig pool of happiness. Not to be, my friends. Good chairs and some good detail, but not much else.  Sad. Let’s go down on this bitch and see how we feel.

I enjoy the small rain sticks on the coffee table. There were a few Asian influences like these scattered around, but not enough to make me dry heave. This little table (below) is a rock star. Love the curves.

The last picture was really my favorite thing. It’s the wax seals that people used back in the day. You had a long wax stick and an ornate metal die. They were usually a family seal or an initial. For scale, the shadowbox is 8 x 10, so that should give you a sense of the size of the wax blobs. As far as I’m concerned, these wax thingies are the only reason to go old school and write a letter.

Love the dining chairs. I’ve saved the best for last, though. Check out these juicy sweet cornices!!!

Yes, please.

Jugglery

My favorite thing about model homes is the fake food. I know you didn’t see that coming, but these little gems are forgotten treasures. Everyone goes through the model looking at floors and god-awful granite, but they walk right by the fabulous fake food. How can you not be entertained by this:

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The butter. The orange slice. The syrup. Fantastic.

So get your day started right with this waffle, egg, strawberry situation:

In the mood for Chinese?

Afternoon slump?

Vegetarian dinner?

And finally, desert.

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I just don’t think these little works of art get the love they deserve. The coke has bubbles!! And ice!! And I love the paper noodles. And the waffles. This could be a real Sophie’s Choice if I had to pick.

This is the best day of my life

It’s been a long time since something blew my skirt up and made me want a cigarette. But – just in time for my birthday – comes these sweet little numbers.

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LED lighting is way overdue for a makeover and it’s finally here. These pups are on indiegogo, so you can get in on the action early.

Here’s a one minute video and it’s beautiful.

Here are some stills.

This is some next-level Jetson’s lighting here. These are laser etched and the light source is reflected from the bottom to the transparent acrylic glass, just like those tacky, long spaghetti things where they put the light on the bottom and it magically appears at the opposite end.

Here’s one that shows some of their detail:

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These are amazing and I want them now. I have to go adjust myself first.

 

Keep the baby, throw out the sink

Recently, the presence of farm sinks has surged. A disturbing trend. I want to be very clear about my position on these monstrosities. They belong on a farm in Vermont or some such. People have taken to calling them apron sinks, but this is lipstick on a pig. A rose by any other name. You get it.

They are also getting fancier, trying to seduce you, whispering sweet decorating nothings in your ear, lulling you into a stupor. Awwww….what a great idea. It’s so pretty and different.

SNAP OUT OF IT!!

In 3 – 5 years, you’re going to want to rip that bitch out of the wall with your fingernails.

This is the second time we’ve had to discuss this. Back away. #SpreadTheWord

 

 

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

Today’s offering is once again, about Ikea. This post has two parts to it-one whimsical and one terrifying. Clown-like terrifying.

Ivar Kamprad, the founder of Ikea, is dyslexic and things just weren’t going his way. He needed to design, distribute, and sell furniture based on his challenges, and thus, words we’ll never know have an item attached to it. Here’s what he came up with:

The bookcases are named after people or an occupation. The beds, wardrobes, and hallway furniture is named after places in Norway. The carpets named after places in Denmark. The dining tables and chairs are named after places in Finland. All bathroom stuff is named for lakes and rivers in Sweden. The remainder of their product line is named for places in Sweden. And finally – one in five Brits were conceived in an Ikea bed.

I’m going to admit that I have no idea where that last stat came from, so I can’t verify it, but I’m leaving it here because I freaking love it. This concludes your daily dose of random byclbousens and stugerflagens.

Next up is the terrifying stuff. Let me just get something out of the way first. I kinda think the whole Ikea thing is genius. You come in and the first thing is the restaurant. This seems refreshing in some way. How did they know I was hungry? Well, what they want is for me to bring my sugar levels up so I have the energy to shop. But-they give you an exit so you can escape if you’re feeling woozy.

But they LIE!! Lying liars is what they are. Everywhere you look there is an Exit sign. Here’s the problem-either there is no exit or the exit has an alarm on it, rendering it useless. Unless I set fire to it. (Another post) Please take a look and let me know if you agree:

Do you see this mess?? This is what’s waiting for you after you eat. Not a single one of these actually leads to a door you can go out of. The ones above a door?? Well, not really. The door leads to another department, so you’re really leaving one place of madness and slipping into another. Not a single one of these photos is a duplicate. They are everywhere. But they go nowhere. Clowns.

 

When bad beds happen to good people

**Seizure Warning**

I see all kinds of crap out in the wild. Purple walls, missing toilets, Pepto pink ceilings, all manner of wall art made from beer caps. Still, nothing prepared me for this:

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Just in case you were dropped on your head and want to actually buy this thing, be warned that it is $3,000. (Proof) There is not a circumstance, ever, at any time, acceptable for this bed to be in anyone’s home. Even in the 70’s. It was designed by someone on acid and then another someone thought it should be produced and sold. And then the owner won’t be able to get it out of the house when they move, so they’ll leave it in the house I have to sell. See? Full circle.

There’s more to choose from. I kid you not.

 

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The only thing you can have in this bed is nightmares. At least it’s not in some super dark color in the back room of a super dark and smoky bar. It’s the softer side of ugly. Still ugly, though.

If you want more, there’s one left.

I have so many questions about this bed. If you think you just simply can’t go on until it’s yours, knock yourself out here. It’s $2100 and doesn’t come in black. Absolutely nothing good can happen in this bed. I’ve got a good imagination, and I stand by that statement.

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I don’t play favorites

Well ok, actually I do. This little guy totally made me look. It’s super neutral, and you know I like a pop of color, but I’m still giving this props. I’m gonna straight up do something I never do and that’s mention the builder. CalAtlantic has long been a favorite of mine. They put out a good product and are a dream to work with. So that. And-their decorating is (usually) spot on. I’ve posted stuff from them before, but I was gun shy about mentioning the builder. Breaking my own rules here, kid.

Let’s begin with knick knack paddy whacks. This is another house that relies heavily on turquoise, which is fine with me. So far I still don’t want to throw up when I see it, so that’s makes walking through the house less messy.

Here’s the part that the designers had nothing to do with. I couldn’t get more pictures because there were realtor things going on (top secret, don’t ya know) and I didn’t have the freedom I usually have. So as much as I’m crushing on the house, I have embarrassingly few pictures to show for it.

Textured walls are my new favorite thing and don’t be surprised if 6 months from now you are reading this blog and I’m trashing textured walls. It’s ok to change your mind. For right now, I’ll take it.

Everything in these top four pictures makes me smile. The second picture is the food pantry in the kitchen. I know, right? Obviously stairs make the cut and I love the built in entertainment thingie. It matches the kitchen which always makes me happy.

That bathroom sink is awesome except you’d be cleaning that bitch constantly and would literally have no time to enjoy the textured walls. Good lamps, good lighting. And the coffee table at the top makes me want to stay up past my bedtime – wink wink.

Now you’re gonna think I’ve lost my damn mind, but as I was leaving, I saw this sweet little bowl, vessel (whatever they’re called) and it caught my eye. Love it.

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Right? Super simple and easy to overlook, but I thought it was pretty and well placed. Tip of the hat to you, CalAtlantic. Werk it.